We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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