Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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