Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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