I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Damn victory sex feels great
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
