I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
