If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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