Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
