i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
