Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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