i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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