Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
