and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
