I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My liver just had a heart attack.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
