I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
