My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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