At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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