She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
