my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
