it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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