Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
