Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
