I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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