This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
cat food counts as protein by the way
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
