The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
