Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
