I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
