his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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