I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
