i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
