I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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