she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
