Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
