i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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