life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
