bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
