My Higher Power is John Stamos
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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