I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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