someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
