I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
