drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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