you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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