walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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