I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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