Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
