I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
