What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
