I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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