it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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