I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
