I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
