I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my sisters under your porch take her home
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
