i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
