There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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